The Balance Beam

Care is a beautiful thing. It’s the work of making sure everyone else is okay—checking in, stepping up, making space. But what happens when the one doing all the caring needs care too? That’s where the guilt creeps in. Whether you’re a parent, a caregiver, a helping professional, or a leader responsible for a team, the idea of putting yourself first can feel…selfish. But there’s a difference between being selfish and being self-ish.

Selfishness is about disregard—prioritizing yourself in a way that dismisses or devalues others. Being self-ish is different. It’s about remembering that you—and your ish—matter, too. It’s knowing when to check in with yourself, honor your needs, and make space for your own care without apology. Not more than anyone else—but not less, either.

Maybe you’ve thought:

• “Am I being self-centered for wanting time alone?”

• “Will people think I’m neglecting them if I say no?”

• “Shouldn’t I always be available if I care about them?”

Here’s a truth: some people may very well think negatively about you prioritizing caring for yourself. However, the people that truly care, are more likely going to support and even encourage you taking good care.

I’ve seen this with clients, students, loved ones (and occasionally myself)—people who overcommit because they’re afraid of disappointing others, caregivers who feel guilty for taking a moment to breathe, professionals who pride themselves on never taking a break, and leaders who think they have to be available 24/7 to be effective. But real strength isn’t measured only by how much you can carry. There’s also strength in knowing when to set something down.

Many of us were raised to believe that good people always put others first. Our society often praises self-sacrifice. And while that kind of strength can be admirable, it’s not sustainable when it comes at the cost of your well-being. Even the strongest muscles fatigue when overworked. Our hearts, our energy, and our emotional capacity are no different.

And when we care in this way—constantly giving, constantly on—we become especially vulnerable to compassion fatigue. It’s the emotional, mental, and even physical exhaustion that can come from the chronic overuse of empathy. When we neglect rest or hold porous boundaries, it becomes harder to access compassion—let alone patience or presence. We start to feel numb, irritated, disconnected, or resentful. And over time, what started as genuine care turns into obligation, burnout, or avoidance. Without recovery, our ability to lead, support, or care well is compromised. Compassion can’t thrive without capacity.

Perhaps you’re there now—feeling guilty for choosing rest, hesitating to set a boundary, or wondering if saying “no” makes you less caring. But here’s what I know for sure: Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean you care less about others. It means you’re building the capacity to show up fully for them.

Self-care is about being sustainable. You can’t give what you don’t have. You can’t pour from an empty cup—not that the cup should be drawn from in the first place. Still, you can’t support others without your own foundation of care and compassion to stand on.

So instead of seeing self-care as a luxury, try seeing it as a necessity. It’s the ongoing practice of recognizing your limits and making space for your own well-being. It can be as small as a five-minute breathing exercise or a daily walk. It might look like saying “no” without guilt, or choosing to spend time with people who pour into you instead of just taking.

If you’re a caregiver, remember: loving others doesn’t mean abandoning yourself. You can only give your best when you're at your best.

If you’re a professional or a leader, remember this too: Modeling self-care isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a mark of sustainable leadership. People are more likely to value balance when they see it practiced by those they look up to. It’s how we model what we teach, especially in health and helping professions.

Being self-ish isn’t about being selfish. It’s about being well enough to love, lead, and care without losing yourself.

If you really want to be well enough to love, lead, and care without losing yourself—be self-ish.

With Love,

Dr. Love Jordan